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I wanted my body to influence and be influenced by other bodies - this time not as a vector of disease but as a vector of pure feeling. In isolation, IвЂ™d felt myself stiffen into a form so familiar it had come to seem inescapable.

Sometimes I mean that I want very badly to pin somebody to the club wall with my butt.Д®ven though itвЂ™s better, as my mother recommended, to dance alone than not at all, the вЂњ despojoвЂќ IвЂ™d been dreaming of was social. But when I say вЂњ despojo,вЂќ I donвЂ™t always mean to sound so serious. In order to repossess the body, itвЂ™s necessary to dispossess it in order to feel alive, itвЂ™s necessary to get in touch with whatвЂ™s already dead. The вЂњ despojoвЂќ IвЂ™ve desired articulates a paradox. I guess вЂњ despojoвЂќ comes to me, via Puerto Rican Spanish, in a register already worked through by ritual, by generations of people whoвЂ™ve had to scavenge something good from the many losses of forced migration. ItвЂ™s strange to discover that a word I associate with rejuvenation technically has more to do with death and disaster. IвЂ™ve never known what вЂњ despojoвЂќ means, precisely, though itвЂ™s a word I use with some frequency to express a physical craving for spiritual catharsis: вЂњ Necesitamos despojo, quiero despojarme.вЂќ Or, watching a friend gain momentum on the dance floor and begin to enter a self-forgetful trance: вЂњ Esoooo! Des-po-jo!вЂќ My Spanish-English dictionary has only the verb (to despoil, to shed leaves) and the plural noun (the spoils of war, mortal remains, rubble, waste). But in that same period had my life evolved at all? Had I met anyone? Surprised myself? Stemmed the tide of collective crisis? My mother often urged me to dance, just a little, by myself in the kitchen - вЂњItвЂ™s good medicine,вЂќ she said, вЂњ despojo.вЂќ

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When I pulled my hair back in a tight ponytail, I could see a patch of scalp. My right knee was clearly deteriorating - I couldnвЂ™t sit cross-legged at my desk the way I used to - and because I wasnвЂ™t wearing makeup, I could track each age spot as it bloomed to the surface. I turned 33, then 34, and my body seemed to grow old without bringing my spirit along with it.

ДЇor most of 2020, I passed the pandemic alone in my studio apartment.

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